Songbird Read online

  I gasped and stood up, trying to get between them as fists went flying in all directions. Three security guards joined me, grappling to separate them.

  “Forest, stop,” I urged. “He’s not worth it. Stop it.”

  It was all for naught, they continued to swing punches, determined to inflict pain upon one another. Consentino didn’t even know Forest, he was only misplacing his anger at me.

  And Forest, what the hell was he doing? If he thought he was standing up for me, he sorely misjudged the situation. I was doing just fine handling Consentino by myself, I didn’t need someone to step in and defend me. God knows I had done enough of that myself.

  Consentino got in a hard hit to Forest’s jaw, sending him reeling sideways. In an instant, he was back, sending a right hook his way. His fist collided with his face with a horrible whacking sound.

  Finally, the guards pulled them apart. One burly security officer taking Consentino, another equally large guy taking Forest. They went in opposite directions, leaving everyone else just to stare with their mouths open at the sight.

  I knew I should move, go make sure Forest was okay or something. But my feet were glued to the ground, refusing to budge. Everything had happened so fast, my brain still wasn’t completely caught up.

  As my eyes darted around the room, I noticed someone perched on the back of a couch. His cell phone was held high, the little red light lit up like a Christmas tree. He had just filmed the entire thing. That wasn’t a good sign.

  I didn’t have a chance to do anything before Demi was at my side. She took my arm in her hands, trying to get my complete attention. “Brier, what happened? I heard yelling, and saw Forest being taken away. Tell me.”

  That wasn’t my biggest concern right now. I pointed at the guy with the phone. “He filmed it all. He’s probably uploading it now. Demi, you have to do something.”

  Her eyes followed mine as she spotted the guy. He had slid down onto the couch arm and was tapping away on the screen. Demi didn’t waste a moment in hurrying over to him.

  I took a few deep breaths as I gathered my thoughts. It would be okay. Demi would talk the guy into deleting the file. Forest would calm down in the security room for a while. Consentino would go back to whatever cave he came out of and be a real musician. Everything was going to be okay.

  So why did the whole thing still leave me nauseous? I wanted to throw up everything I just ate. I knew the feeling would be so good. I would be in complete control, I would be the one calling the shots. Not some guy, not the public, not security. It would just be me and my decisions, nobody would even have to know.

  My eyes flicked over to the bathroom. I could slip away and nobody would be any wiser. I could return like nothing happened, pretend I was okay with it all and it was just another day. Nobody would know I forced myself to vomit.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I took a step, and then another one. I was really going to do it. I was going to feel so much better by showing how in control I was. Nobody could insult me, nobody could hurt me, I was in complete control over my body and my life.

  My hand was on the knob, I was almost there. Not even Demi had noticed where I was going and she certainly had no idea what I was planning on doing once there. I was really going to do it. Relief was so close.

  “Brierly… Brierly,” Forest called out. I stopped with my hand on the door, snatching it away like it was too hot to touch suddenly. I spun around.

  Forest crossed the space to stand directly in front of me. He had a black eye and a blue patch on his jaw that would turn into a pretty nasty purple bruise before too long.

  “What do you want?” I asked, coming back to reality. I looked down and saw my hands shaking, but not because of the fight. I had been so close to relapsing it was scary. The thought of what I was about to do terrified me. And at how easy the thoughts had come to me.

  “That guy shouldn’t have been talking to you like that,” he started. He could have been saying anything and I wouldn’t have noticed.

  My thoughts whirled with the fact I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life – again. How could I have been so stupid? Why, after all this time, did I still think making myself throw up was an option?

  “Brierly.” Forest demanded my attention again. “Are you even listening to me?”

  I took a breath, trying to calm my racing heart. Beads of sweat were forming on my brow, I could feel rather than see them. “Do I even need to listen to you, Forest? You just beat up a guy, a guy that will probably tweet it out to his billion followers how terrible I am. Nothing you say can make that any better.”

  He winced. I’m not sure if it was from the effort it required to talk to me, or his actual physical injuries. How could he be the same guy I had spent only the night before being gently caressed by? Those fists were anything but gentle. It wasn’t how my parents raised me. You don’t get anywhere with violence.

  No, you get somewhere by punishing yourself with stupid acts of control and denying yourself food for a week at a time. That was how I did it.

  “Why don’t you just come out and say it?” Forest said. My mind was way too fuzzy to work out what he meant.

  “I have no idea what you are talking about.” It wasn’t a lie.

  “I’m not good enough for you. Nothing I do is right and you’d prefer I just disappeared into the crowd one day.” He stared at me, one eyebrow raised like he was asking a question. That look was normally so adorable on his face that I wanted to kiss it until I couldn’t breathe. Now, all I could see was the pain and anger it hid.

  I did what I always did when I couldn’t handle a situation any longer. “I need to get ready,” I muttered.

  “Whatever.” Forest sighed the words before storming off. He didn’t look back, just kept going through the doors until I couldn’t see him any longer.

  Demi took his place before I could blink. “You want to tell me what’s going on here?”

  No, I really didn’t want to tell her what was going on. If I told Demi how close I had just come to… I couldn’t even think about it. If she knew, I would be back in that hospital before sundown.

  “Did you get the video deleted?” I asked instead. Tears would have to wait, I had a career to salvage.

  Demi nodded. “He finally agreed to it. What’s going on, Brierly? Why was Forest and Consentino Mercurio playing fisticuffs?”

  I plastered on the best smile I could, covering everything I actually felt. “Some macho display of testosterone, you know how guys are. I should probably get ready for the show, what time do I have to go on again?”

  She checked her watch and blanched. “Five minutes, you’ve only got time to mike up and that’s it. Come on.” She took my wrist and led me away to the sound technicians.

  Performing was a welcome way to get my mind off everything. On stage, I wasn’t Brierly Wilcox, I was something completely different. I was a performing songbird that existed only for others’ entertainment. That’s where I felt most at home, that was where it was most healing. That is what I needed.

  I listened for my cue, for the emcee to announce my name. My band stood behind me, all save for one lead guitarist. “Where’s Forest?” I asked frantically. They all looked around, noticing he wasn’t there for the first time too. They shrugged their answer. “Demi, Forest isn’t here.”

  She panicked, searching around the area in under a minute for him. I did the same, but there was no trace of him anywhere. Nobody had seen him since the green room. The emcee made the announcement to cheers from the crowd.

  I grabbed his guitar from the case. “I’ll do his part. Everyone else okay with that?”

  Marty answered first. “I can do lead if you want to do support.”

  I shook my head, I didn’t know the support parts. I practiced at home by doing the lead myself, I could handle that much better. “No, it’s too late to start switching up places. Stick to your parts and I’ll do Forest’s.”

  They nodded their understand
ing and we hurried onstage. The crowd cheered their approval as we took our places. Within five beats, we were up and rolling.

  I couldn’t move around the stage or dance like I normally did to the songs. My movement was restricted with the guitar but I hoped nobody else noticed or cared. I enjoyed performing with the guitar sometimes, but normally for the slower songs where I could sit down and croon along. For the upbeat tracks, I liked to get the crowd hyped up by dancing.

  Looking across the sea of happy faces staring back at me, I thought they were enjoying the performance regardless. Still, I liked to do my best and I couldn’t do that without a lead guitarist.

  Forest not turning up for his cue was irresponsible. But more than that, it was hurtful. He knew what his absence would mean and did it anyway. He obviously cared more about his pride than he did my feelings.

  Not one person listening to me singing would know the turmoil going on in my brain. They would see my smile and think it genuine, hear my words and think they were the truth. I had been so used to putting my mask on it came naturally now. I didn’t even realize I was doing it most of the time.

  But it was still new to Forest. It was the reason why he didn’t think about standing in front of my window that morning, the same reason why he thought it was okay to make an enemy out of Consentino Mercurio. He didn’t have a mask to put on, he wore his emotions on his sleeve for all to see.

  That didn’t mean I could forgive him. I had a right to be angry with Forest because he had made those decisions consciously. Not showing up at the stage for my performance was a choice he made, knowing full well of the consequences.

  The funny thing was, ever since I met Forest I had been looking for an excuse to get him fired. I had tried really hard to find something to critique. Now I had my proof he wasn’t good for the tour and I didn’t want to use it. Instead, all I could think of was trying to make it better so he could stay.

  Demi was right, I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him. He was bad news. I knew it myself and still went ahead and got tangled in the mess anyway.

  I finished my first song and had to wait a few seconds while I remembered what was supposed to come next. I was pretty sure the line up schedule said Wasn’t Meant To Be was the next song. I hadn’t played that on the guitar for weeks, I hoped my fingers remembered the tune because my brain wasn’t exactly functioning so well.

  I turned back and nodded toward Ace on the drums, indicating he should start. I listened for a moment, waiting until the song was confirmed before joining in. Thank God I had been paying attention to some of what Demi had been telling me earlier.

  I launched into the song and finished the set without any further problems. I bowed and thanked the audience, promising to return for a few more songs later on.

  Offstage, I tagged the next performer and headed back. I really wanted to find Forest and sort out what was going on. I had come too close to relapsing earlier to be arguing with him too. It had scared me more than I wanted to admit.

  Demi was waiting in the corridor. “Great set, Brierly. We need to get to the meet and greet tent now.”

  “It will have to wait, I need to find Forest,” I replied, hurrying past her. She trotted after me, barely keeping up. “Have you seen him?”

  “We don’t have time for this, you have people waiting.”

  “They’ll have to wait a bit longer.”

  I reached the green room and flew through the doors. I quickly scanned the room, spotting Forest in the far corner. He was slumped on a couch, playing with his phone. Nice to know he was getting some leisure time in while I was covering for him onstage.

  I stormed over, my anger growing with each step. At some point Demi stopped following and hung back, giving up on keeping me on schedule.

  I stopped in front of Forest, my shadow making him look up. At least he had the decency to look a little guilty. “What the hell, Forest?”

  He put his phone back into his pocket before standing. We were so close I needed to take a step back to think straight again.

  “What the hell, Brierly?” He parroted me.

  “We had a performance, you didn’t show. That is all kinds of wrong. Do you have anything to say, at all?”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was our call time.”

  “I had to do your part,” I pointed out, even his apology couldn’t placate me. “It could have gone so wrong, Forest. We could have sounded terrible and stuffed up the entire set. And all because you didn’t realize it was our call time?”

  “Why don’t you just say what you really want?”

  “I want you to be responsible, I want you to be there when you’re supposed to be. I don’t want to always wonder when you’re going to let me down.”

  He studied me, the intense gaze shooting right through me. I felt like running away so I didn’t have to have the conversation with him. I didn’t want to be fighting with Forest but I didn’t know what else to do. Arguing was something I was good at, especially when it came to my relationships. It was the quiet times, the moments when there was nothing going on, that I was terrible at.

  “I’m not going to let you down, Brierly,” Forest said, so calmly it took me by surprise.

  “Recent actions tell me otherwise.”

  “I’m not talking about the set, you know that.”

  There was no way I could deal with having a deep and meaningful conversation. Not in the middle of the green room with watchful eyes burning around me and my brain whirling a hundred miles an hour. I craved the same control I had fantasized about earlier.

  “Yeah, well, I’ve heard that before,” I replied.

  “I’m not him.”

  “Are you sure, really? Braydon used to miss gigs all the time. He would turn up drunk for the finale and then insist we all go out to party afterwards. He always apologized too.”

  I met his gaze, his eyes burned with anger. His bruises from his encounter with Consentino were purple against his increasingly red skin. “So I’m just like your ex then? That’s how you see me?”

  “If that’s how you’re acting, what am I supposed to think?”

  “How can you even say that? Seriously, this is… ugh, ridiculous.”

  “Guys,” Demi said from behind me, interrupting. I turned around to face her. “This really isn’t the time or place to be having this discussion. Brierly, we have to go, we can’t leave it any longer.”

  I shot one more look at Forest before following after her. I had to take deep breaths the entire way as I transitioned to my game face. I was going to be speaking with my fans, I couldn’t still be angry by the time I sat down at the table.

  “Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” Demi prompted along the way.

  “Not really.”

  “Are you sure? Things seem pretty… intense between you and Forest. Remember, I’m here to listen to anything you want to say.”

  I forced a smile, getting into the practice. “I’m just annoyed he missed the set, that’s all.”

  “There’s nothing else going on?” She asked.

  She obviously hadn’t been online long enough to see either the naked pictures of Forest at my hotel window or the photo of me relapsing with the piece of pie yesterday. She had a lot of gossip to catch up on. Either that, or she was hoping I hadn’t seen them and didn’t want to upset me further. Either option was a possibility.

  “I’m fine, Demi, really.”

  “Okay, well, know I’m here when you want to talk. You know I’m here for more than just making sure you meet your appointments.” She gave me a comforting pat on the back as we rounded the last corner. She let me go to my table alone, my helper waiting there for me already.

  “Sorry I’m late,” I apologized.

  “It’s all good, you ready to start?” She was way too perky for a hot afternoon where nothing was going right. I nodded and she called up the first person in the line.

  I signed, smiled, and sang my butt off for the rest of the day. By the t
ime my festival duties were done with, I was exhausted. The only redeeming feature was the fact that Forest had shown up for all my afternoon sets. He played the guitar like a good boy, not saying a word to me in between.

  Demi and I returned to the hotel just before eleven. At least we wouldn’t be travelling tomorrow, I could sleep in a little. I guessed I wouldn’t be sleeping in with Forest, that was definitely not going to happen now.

  We entered the lobby, my feet dragging with fatigue. My fingers were all stiff from signing autographs and my thighs were killing me from continually getting up for photographs. It was worth it to make my fans happy, but it still killed.

  I spotted two familiar faces in the lobby, two faces I wished weren’t there even though it was good to see them. My mom and dad raced over to wrap their arms around me in a group hug.

  “What are you guys doing here?” I asked happily, my mask right back on again.

  They let me go, my mom’s eyes running over me. “You’re so skinny, Brierly. Demi, are you looking after our little girl?”

  “I do my best.” Demi laughed, a hint of discomfort in the way she answered.

  “I’m absolutely fine,” I interrupted. “Now, what are you doing here?”

  “We came to see our baby girl,” Dad replied. “You said you were too busy to visit us so we decided to come visit you instead. Surprise!”

  It certainly was a surprise, which is exactly why I hated surprises. “That’s great,” I lied. “How long are you staying?”

  “Demi said you’d be hitting the road again on Monday, so just for tomorrow,” Mom said warmly. I gave her another hug. I was happy to see her, I just wished everything didn’t have to happen on the one day. Being in a calmer mind frame would have made it better. Being able to think straight would have been better. Anything would have been better.

  I looked toward Demi. “You knew about this?” She nodded with a glint of mischief in her eyes. “Can we free up my day tomorrow so I can spend time with my parents?”